Yes, We all have to be Vulnerable

 

 

I was given the opportunity to be introduced and watch Ted Talk videos recently--not that I have a ton of time on my hands (that's not the point though). The lessons are phenomenal and no doubt have a connection to everyone. After watching The Power of Vulnerability one distinct memory came to mind.

 

Looking back, freshman year could've been yesterday. I wonder where all the time has gone. Three years. Three years gone. And one more one the way. I cannot see myself, however, as a Senior and to those who came after me, you are all still freshman. I don't want to see you grow up. But just as it is hard for me to see you all get older, I do too. Next year I'll be gone, although, but as yesterday began one of many "last", "last" does not mean "to end"; it allows for new opportunities. Most importantly, "last" never means forgotten.

 

Memories from the freshman year are still clear as day.

 

Creative Writing had to have been one of my favorite classes. And fortunately it was 4th period, the longest class period. As the twelve weeks dwindled to two, my final portfolio had to be created. I knew it our final pieces had to be edited, not by just anyone though. My teacher was taking on one-to-one conferences to edit pieces. Small naïve me had no idea what to ask her or how to approach editing my creative writing. I just wrote. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. In my eyes it was not something for all eyes to see.

 

But let me take this moment to be vulnerable and let you read this piece:

 

Answer Me

            Whipping against my skin, the wind agitated me.  Autumn leaves colored the bleak path ahead, dancing in the gust while carrying hints of memories I once forgot.  My bare feet seeped into the softening soil, slowly suctioning to the gooey surface. 

            Distant thuds of waves rebounded off the cliff in a reverberating echo.  Oceans mixed with a slight hint of forest pine swirled into my nose, provoking tears that became suppressed behind my mask, hidden to the world.  A tight smile, wired and jagged, pricked at my lips waiting to be shown to my world of hatred, I permanently lived in.  Emotion left my eyes long ago, turning a warm spring meadow to an unrelenting sea storm. Brewing. Just beneath the surface as if one drop of rain could unleash overpowering anger.  Enraged.

            Seizing one last full breath, I tore away from the exposed trial dragging my mud-soaked feet from the ground.  Feeling lighter than a feather, I sprinted away to the last place I’d ever see.

            Thinning from a bushel of tangled trees, I gained speed aggressively.  Increasing.  Breaths became shallow pants.  Air fleeted my lungs, coursing my throat dry.  Crimson hair caught within the mangled branches unsuccessfully blocked a road I’d already started to race through.

            From smooth to rough, slick to rugged, rocks slit my feet open.  Gravel flew in the air just as unseen words.  No solid surface to find through thick or thin.  Current physical pain slipped unnoticed as I gasped for air to inhabit my burning lungs.  

Red flashed behind my closing eyes.  Scarlet slid from open wounds plaguing my damaged figure.  A disembodied voice collapsed my world. Words began rebounding off walls, slicing each gash deeper than the last. 

Holding back whimpers another impact rattled throughout my languished body.  Rage consuming eyes connected to mine. Power enveloped his pupil’s, feeding off freshly produced pain. Wanting more; fruitlessly.  Abandoning the first body, distorted by broken bones, a humorless laugh curled from his lips.  Lifeless.  Cruel.  Inhuman. 

“M-mom?” my voice croaked from my throat.  Screams echoed silently inside my head.  Unceasingly.  Ringing pounded my ears.  Endlessly. 

Boots incased my vision, hiding my non-breathing mother.  Cocking back the heavy leather boot, it collided into me, jolting myself away from my living nightmare.  Inescapable.  The edge loomed ever closer, awaiting my fateful decision.

            Dwelling in the horizon, a half disk sunk under the ocean consuming the clear blue sky in shades of zealous pinks and passionate oranges.  Sparse clouds decorated the crumbling sky allowing rocks to perish under my weight.  Whistling wind howled against my ears.   Ripping through thin cotton clothes, the gust tainted the temperature touching my chilling skin.

            Mere seconds passed before frigid ice water cloaked my body, scattering my mind of any coherent thoughts.  Pressure enclosed above me, shoving me beneath a crystalizing surface, with help of falling momentum.

            Time wouldn’t heal scars covering my suffering body, for it didn’t exist anymore.  Icing water numbed my skin.  A cold fire ignited within me alighting dusted memories to ashes. Vanishing along with the rest of me, I was nothing more than a hallucination.

            A wish granted.  A life taken.  For once death listened to my silent cries of despair.

That's the exact advice my teacher gave  me. Be vulnerable. For writing, it builds characterization and connections. And same for people. It opens up for all other emotions. But to numb vulnerability, numbs all emotions. Vulnerability is not something we like, and it's most definitely not something we want to give into. But if we want to live wholesomely with love and belonging there will always be sacrifice.

This vulnerability applies to every aspect in life, no matter if we want to believe it or not. Knowing when to allow ourselves to be vulnerable is the key.

Feels Like Tonight

Nos·tal·gia [no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh-]

NOUN

A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time; yearning for the return of past circumstances, events, etc.

 A negative connotation is linked to the definition, however, after reading Chuck Klosterman’s “Nostalgia on Repeat” I reflected on my views.

Klosterman claims, by transporting ourselves in to an earlier draft, it is up to the individual to find meaning to our repeated actions and miss the way things used to be. I agree.

I find myself always lost in music, running through phases of a few favorite songs. For me it’s natural to listen to one song repeatedly. I dive into the lyrics. I pick apart their meaning. I fall in love. But before long, I move on to find another intriguing song begging for my ears to listen.

Someday, though, my playlist—fill of songs I love, I hate, I admire, I despise—I reverse the clock for a moment, no matter the evoked emotion. A memory flashes behind my eyes and for a span of three, four, five minutes I wish I could return to the time. Weather I tell myself to live for the moment, learn, live, forget, songs are tied to moments I wish I could change.

One song that comes to mind is “Feels like Tonight” written and performed by Daughtry. I knew of this song at a young age. The carefreeness of it all overwhelms me. Yet instead of bring back time to when I first knew the song, I am reminded by the lyrics. I remember times where I could’ve not ruined a moment, an event, a friendship. I remember the days I could’ve made a difference, yet just let the moment slip through my fingers.

Now if my nostalgia is positive or negative, I can’t decide. But I see it more as a balancing point for me. For me, I am able to find equilibrium of my idealistic values.

If it’s obtainable, I highly doubt the perfect me—inside my head at least—to ever make an appearance. If it’s unobtainable, at least this nostalgic person is worth striving for.

Where the Wild Things Are

"Stay, don’t go. I’ll eat you up, I love you so.”

Quite a memorable line from Where Wild Things Are, so memorable it resonates. Resonates especially with Trenton Woodley, lead singer of Hands Like Houses.

In the song "The Definition of Not Leaving", Woodley quotes this particular line. And explains his connection in a recent interview with Sights of Sounds Magazine:

"I liked...the idea of the innocence of childhood which can be extended to anything. We are just human beings and while we learn different behaviors we’re still the same like, conscious soul. So I think I love the idea that this kid is just exploring what’s in front of him and he still wants to belong, he wants to rule, he wants to run, he wants to just experience everything. That idea of 'stay, don’t go, I’ll eat you up, I love you so' is just kind of reflective of not necessarily a negative side of humanity, but a side of us that is self-driven. You know we see the world through our own eyes and feel the world through our own senses? That’s kind of what it is. 'I’ll eat you up, I love you so,' is just me being who I am in my life. It means that it may have negative effects but I still want to love and be loved."

With this view on life, soon after signing with Rise Records, Woodley and the rest of Hands Like Houses approached a broader horizon of opportunity than just the city of Canberra, or even Australia. The horizon extended to America.

Jump starting themselves, they already had a fan base. Yet, credit goes to the 2012 American Warped Tour for solidifying the American fans. Not only is it a great place to launch a new album, according to Woodley, the lessons learned, the friendships gained and the fans interaction are the most rewarding part.

"It is a great way to interact and we like being out there and enjoying it on our own terms."

Rhythm guitarist, Alex Pearson adds:

"[This] was the first tour where we really got a chance to have “meet and greets” [air quotes]. Anyone can come up and talk to us but it just gave us the possibility for people to line up and just have some time to talk...We try to be as approachable as possible, and it’s the hardest thing to convey to people...When someone meets like either of us and they just sit there and don’t know what to say, but we are actually normal people."

After solidifying a fan base across the ocean, and a summer spent in our "foreign country", Hands Like Houses returned home. Capitalizing on their Australian Warped Tour, more fans recognized Hands Like Houses.

In 2015 the band hopes to return to the American Warped Tour. But who says you have to wait another year and a half to see them live?

No one!

Hands Like Houses were given the opportunity to headline an American Tour that begins May 6th.

And this is the song that hooked me...

This Is War

My eyes are opened.

Distrust, corruption, destruction are all under the radar. We turn a blind eye. Fixation is not in the equation, until Jared Leto took the courageous step to unveil the interworking of Record Labels.

After watching Artifact a documentary of 30 Seconds to Mars law suit for 30 million dollars with EMI’s record company, the corruption finally comes into view.  Not to say there have not been other law suits for artist being undermined—I could name numerous others, some even being with EMI—but Leto, the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars, documented the process.

It began with Leto, his brother Shannon, percussionist, and guitarist Tomo Miličević, deciding to break away from EMI. The original deal made in 1998 consisted of creation of five records. In California, though, even if the deal has not been satisfied, but has extended over seven years, which it had, the band has every right to breakaway. 30 Seconds to Mars knew this.

EMI on the other hand refused to accept their loss. Suing for 30 million, the band would still be in 2.7 million dollars of debt after paying.

With this in mind, Leto wanted to take this to court. In front of a jury, who would side with a musician opposed to a record label who obviously holds all the cards? Any label holds the cards. They have control of the money, even if they don’t exactly know how their industry fully works—the reason it is crumbling, and it has been since rock bands started in the 50’s and 60’s. In essence, the labels have been taking advantage of their musicians. For those who don’t care about the money and more about the music, and for new musicians who don’t necessarily know how the music industry works, this is a visual:

Credit to: Artifact Documentary Produced by Bartholomew Cubbins

The record label gives $250,000 as an advance to the artists, who then make the album. Say the album sells 500,000 copies at ten dollars. That’s five million dollars in revenue. But the record label takes 85% cut, removes the $250,000 advance, and all the money that has been given throughout the process of making the album—producing, marketing and touring. Leaving the artist $425,000 in debt, this carries from one album to the next.

This is not every case, though. The music industry has begun to fall as teenagers and others scam the internet for “free” music; therefore, record labels have created a new deal called 360. Instead of allowing the money from merchandising directly support the band, record labels are capable to collect money from every facet in which money is given.

Which is why I believe 30 Seconds to Mars should have stayed independent. They would be funding themselves, which they did during this law suit—creating a recording studio in the basement of a Hollywood Hills house, buying their own producers & technicians, marketing themselves. I have to have an omnimax view, though.  Leto brought it into perspective with one, simple, but not so simple statement. “Name one band that is independently labeled that has continued worldwide success.” Miličević could not answer.

Not to say people have not made it big over the internet because it has happened. But those people are sought out by the record labels. They’ve established themselves, and rarely turn down the deal. They are well aware of the opportunities that are available to them by taking the deal. Sadly, though, not everyone knows of the corruptness of the music industry.

If there is anything I wish I could’ve seen 30 Seconds to Mars create would be a new business. If they had taken advantage of their opportunity when EMI began to regroup by firing 2,000 employees, 30 Seconds to Mars had an opportunity to hire and create their own business. Their goal was to change music business, they did. But if they created their own record company with employees who had experience and be a welcoming, non-blinded business who clearly taught their artist and musicians of the interworking, eventually others would have to follow suit. There would be trust—no blackmailing, no suing, no undermining.

But 30 Seconds to Mars did a tremendous job in standing up for themselves. The long journey, stress-to-the-brim days, and sleepless nights paid off. After 211 days of disputing lawsuit a new contract was signed to terms written by 30 Seconds to Mars and accepted by EMI.

Although, 30 Seconds to Mars was never paid for their first two albums, their third album This Is War, inspired by the lawsuit sold over 2 million copies.

  

Not Dead

12 years and 4 albums later My Chemical Romance broke apart leaving the crowd of alternative music devastated. But thefans weren't left unaccounted for. Lead singer Gerard Way left his comment in a letter:

"My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die. 
It is alive in me, in the guys, and it is alive inside all of you. 
I always knew that, and I think you did too.
Because it is not a band- it is an idea."

The idea still carries on. And after a year, it's not over.

Tomorrow is a new day with a release of My Chemical Romance's May Death Never Stop You. A compilation of 19 tracks from their previous release Conventional Weapons, fans will hold on to what is left.

Even if there's no more performances or signings, or merchandise,  pop in the CD and all the memories flood back.

It's not dead, for it's an idea.

Trending?

My Chemical Romance. . . . . . saving lives since 2001

All time Low. . . . . . . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2003

Bring Me the Horizon. . . . . . . saving lives since 2004

Mayday Parade. . . . . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2005

Pierce the Veil. . . . . . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2007

You and Me at Six. . . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2008

Asking Alexandria. . . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2008

Of Mice and Men. . . . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2009

Sleeping with Sirens. . . . . . . . . saving lives since 2009

Obviously "Saving Lives" has been a trend throughout the years. And my guess is that all of us have either said it aloud or at least thought that a song, a band has saved our lives. I know I have.

But Chris Motionless of Motionless in White sheds a new light to this trend in his blog post. The "inspirational messages" bands and companies promote is overrated, according to Motionless. It's lost sincerity as the people promoting are well aware of marketing and how to sell product.

As an artist Motionless writes for himself, and himself only. His goal is neither to inspire or  discourage people. He has quit those onstage rants and everything else that could potentially tie into inspirational messages.

Motionless believes that YOU saved yourself--not the music, not the artist, not the band. YOU decided not to cut yourself and throw yourself over the ledge of despair. We as people, though, don't want to say we saved ourselves, we want to attribute our belief in life, our saving moment to someone else.

For a fact, I know it's difficult to give ourselves credit for saving our own lives. But not in this particular aspect.

When we are asked to describe ourselves, we downgrade or fall short of who we are. Instead of looking at ourselves and defining our uniqueness, we want to find other peoples "flaws" and "perfect characteristics"--raising our self-esteem or becoming overwhelmed with jealousy. We have always had little self-reflection. Therefore, the natural reaction to saving yourself is to give the credit to someone else

But the most annoying part for Motionless is to see the disingenuous people; only saying "Your music saved my life," to grab the attention. The façade is easy to see through.

In my opinion, not only does being disingenuous hurt the artist, but if you are not being truthful, to whom are you being truthful with?

No one. Not even yourself.

On the flip side, if you truly connect with the lyrics of a song, that is not bad or wrong. The intention, however, for Motionless is not written for the listener.

I find meaning in a plethora of songs and countless inspiring stories behind the artist. Yet, I also understand Motionless' view upon the subject.

So, I'm not sure where I'm standing.

But after reading Recess is Over, what are your thoughts on the matter?

Thoughts on Idol

It's the time of year again. I am consumed in piles of homework studying for finals. But, I have to make time for a break every now and again.

What am I saying? Yes, finals. But my point, it's American Idol's time of year. My guilty pleasure.

Although with my limited amount of time due to school work and extracurricular, for the past few years I've only been watching the LIVE shows. Forget the auditions. The competition comes down to the top chosen by judges with final consent from the people.

Personally, I hate watching contestants humiliate themselves. It's disengaging; a waste of time. Those who are fortunate enough to be granted with a golden ticket could still fall through. It's the realization that the stage is not home for everyone. But for those who have potential for stardom, they shine, open up, and embrace their inner-self.

After watching the first week of LIVE shows, or better known as Rush Week (a new addition to the show), sadly I have already lost interest.

Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and new addition Harry Connick Jr. (the judges) and show host Ryan Seacrest are saying that this seasons contestants are the best ever showcased.

I have to disagree.

The performances of the total twenty contestants out of the thirty chosen to perform for Rush Week, did not hit their mark. Most performances were bland. The stage presence was not noticeable.

Lopez, however, did remark that this season will be different. The generation has changed. The performers who have a country look may be an R&B singer. With today's technology it has opened up the realm to genres of music otherwise unknown by a person. For this reason and the fact that this is only the first LIVE week, I'll give the contestants another week to improve. Like always.

By then, my family and I have chosen favorites--deciding who will claim the title. And still I am hoping, as prior seasons, that the contestants are able to fill the shoes left behind.

Undoubtedly they all have potential. It just was not shown in the past week's performance.

Surviving Reality

For some, books are the escape, escape from reality. New York Times writer Charles Blow can attest in one of his recent columns.

  

"It is no exaggeration to say that those books saved me: from a life of poverty, stress, depression and isolation," Blow wrote.

  

Personally, as a book-lover myself, I say true too. From a young age I've been an avid reader. There was and still is always a book with me. No matter where I went. It could be the pocket sized Maximum Ride or a 700 page Harry Potter. It didn't matter.

 

My favorite place to read would be during family events. I could get lost in a whole new world and not care. Forget about the chattering relatives, most respect my decision to educate myself in a world of fantasy.

 

Or as Blow would say, books shaped him to be the person he is today.

 

I believe whole-heartedly in shaping your personal character. There is fantasy in my particular enjoyment of reading, but the underling realistic qualities of strength and caring but staying aloof on your toes that have allowed me to become, as Mr. Conner would call me, the flower child (a reference to the 1960 as a young person rejecting conventional society and advocating love, peace, and simple, idealistic values.)

 

I couldn't see life without reading, but sadly for the majority of the population -- now including me -- time is passing too quickly. And according to Blow, the number of non-book-readers has nearly tripled since 1978.

 

It's not that I'm neglecting myself. I just have trouble finding time just as everyone else. Because once the pages of a new book are opened there's no stopping until the last word is read. And in all honesty, I don't have time. All my time nowadays is spent on homework and maintaining grades.

 

But for me that's were music comes in. It's been my savior. I can listen to music while I work on homework, work on cleaning the house, work on the impending college search. Whereas reading, my full attention has to be attributed to the activity, sometimes white noise is good to block my distracting thoughts.

 

"There is no intellectual equivalent to allowing oneself the time and space to get lost in another person’s mind, because in so doing we find ourselves," Blow said.

 

And I couldn't agree more. Sometimes giving into the desire to read is all it takes to be thrown into another reality. Escape.

 

 

To read Charles Blow's full Column:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/23/opinion/blow-reading-books-is-fundamental.html?ref=charlesmblow&_r=0



It Arrived.

After two and a half months, it arrived! My personally signed Baptized lyric booklet.

 

I received Daughtry's CD as a Christmas gift from my sister. I was beyond stoked. I owned their previous three albums and loved their style. Either way, if I didn't receive Baptized, I would've bought it with Christmas money because Daughtry is one of those bands whoes music can be plagued on repeat without becoming annoying.

But more than their music, I look up to founder Chris Daughtry for seizing the opportunity to audition for American Idol.

Now, if asked who my American Idol is, I could never give one answer. I have to name them all. And only two have actually claimed the title of The American Idol. Daughtry being one of the people not claiming the title but the title does not signify the best.

Daughtry performed on the fifth season placing fourth. He is one of the most recognized artist from American Idol. Watching the show, I was only 9 but his music stuck with me. Even if I didn't remember his name and the name of his first single, I could never forget his voice.

It was not by chance that I stumbled across the self-titled debut, and from there, I could never stop listening.

But when I found the lyrics booklet missing from Baptized, my sister didn't miss a beat in the explanation:

"If the booklet was sent to 2800 Olympic Boulevard in Santa Monica California by December 1st, Daughtry will personally sign the booklet."

Excitement bubbled inside of me. And that same feeling resurfaced today when finding the envelope in the mail.

All four CD. And the last with a personalized touch. I never thought I'd see it come.

Prime

High school is the prime time, the prime time to begin establishing a foreground in music. Just look around. Most alternative bands, or bands in general for that matter,  have a background in experimenting with music, with connections, with people.

It's something I've considered. With friends as my foundation, they have supported and stabilized me in realizing and achieving my dreams. Reminding me: even if it the first attempt crumbles, when the drive for music is prominent there will be no question in picking up the pieces.

But where does the notion come from that to form connections in the music industry you have to be on the end of creating music?

Nowhere.

It’s the unstated assumption.

Although my music education can trace back to learning the piano at the age of 7, I only began because of the backbone of my mother. It was at 14 where I took the weight upon myself to enjoy the hours of practicing. It was not just a learning experience anymore, but a stress reliever and a growing passion.

I found the classical route was not the intended path on my part. After years of borrowing, learning, playing classical music, I bought a few sheets of popular pieces including Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood. Endless amounts of time spent sitting in front of ivory keys to play these familiar tunes.

To this day I still have a passion for piano; however, I teach myself. No teacher, but on my own time.

From day one, music had only been a hobby. I never considered a career from music. It is not practical, not in today's world. But only recently a new door had been open.

Audio engineering. Or Acoustical engineering call by its formal name. It's attaining the knowledge behind electrics and physics of sound—live or produced.

 
It's my time to learn now, while I'm in high school. It's time to search the surface of what my future may hold.

Light Never Dies

The world is in a balance—in both positive and negative ways. Yet, sometimes it does not seem as if. The negativity penetrates the happiness we try to fulfil in ourselves. At times, hardships seem impossible to overcome. Bleakness. Darkness. Blackness. It’s all consuming. Or that’s what we engrain in ourselves.

The difficultly of taking a step backwards to breathe from our situation increasingly grows with time. We are blindfolded. We cannot seek the help necessary. We lose rational frame of mind that it’s more than one of us in every situation.

Hope for the Day, a non-profit organization, was created to restore our faded hope, our wretched lives. A life ring is thrown out to sea. In over our heads, swallowing what we cannot digest, know we can be uplifted from the weight dragging us under.

More than one of us has felt this way. It’s in stories, narratives, lyrics, books, where we recognize we are not alone. Never alone.

Restoring Force

A sea shell is more than an artifact of the ocean. It connects us to the elemental aura of water—the power of emotions, of truth, of creativity. According to Mesa Creative Arts, sea shells are healers, messengers and tools of transformation.

Although for Austin Carlile, lead singer from Of Mice and Men did not outright say this about their upcoming album cover, it might as well be true. The reason for a dark cerith shell to be the image of choice is to have a direct link to their previous album The Flood.

“Restoring Force is more than just a collection of songs but fundamentally a return to equilibrium,” Carlile said in an article with Alternative Press.

This album composed of material to solidify the band’s status in the music industry. For this third album, Carlile could not help but seek new horizons.

“[We are] pushing ourselves to write the most meaningful material Of Mice & Men has ever released,” Carlile said. “This was by far the most in-depth writing and recording processes we've ever been through.”

It is all influenced by life, this process of writing. After receiving open heart surgery in 2010, recently after acquiring his dream of becoming a musician, Carlile finally grasped the true meaning of gratitude.

“[The surgery] changed my entire world,” Carlile said in a recent interview with Pure Volume. “My heart was out of my chest on ice for two hours—I was being pumped full of somebody else's blood. It just made me see how precious life is all over again because even though the technology today is good there was still a 30- or 40-percent chance that I wouldn't survive the surgery.”

Just one situation influenced life. A new outlook equals a new person.

I am excited to see a reflection in Of Mice and Men’s music. From their metal vibes, now converting to a hard in-your-face aggression of rock ‘n roll as Carlile likes to put it; the sound will definitely have an impact on their fans.

Whether that is positive or negative impact, I don’t know. But I can tell you, I rarely, if ever, listened to metalcore genre. The screams were not appealing. Never could I decipher the lyrics, the meaning, or the pieces that hold the connection. But there is always room for compromise.

With knowing background, my eyes open to a whole new world, a world I never knew. One that I merely brushed away. In less than two weeks new fans will arise, while particular past fans will tear apart from the Of Mice and Men Family. Those who stay show loyalty. And for the loss, will be from their decision to reach equilibrium in life.

Waves lapping at the shore leave hints of the hidden lives that are altering, with little reminders that life leaves a legacy for others to find, for the calmest of water have reached a balance between the world above and below.